Lost&Finding

Perspective

In one night I made things right with my best friend, ate some humble pie and learned how to let go of my first love.

Perspective is an amazing thing. It can take all that anger, pain and confusion and make you realize in what ways you can be mistaken or selfish or foolish.

To truly be able to fix anything you need to be able to accept the ways thay you are wrong.

To let go of the past you need to accept that things arent always as they seem either.

People are not perfect, they will dissapoint you and you will dissapoint yourself.

Forgiveness is huge, you need to forgive to start letting go. Sometimes when you forigive things get better or change, but sometimes you just learn to let it go.

One & Only

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it’s taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I’ve been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you’ll go

I don’t know why I’m scared ‘cause I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You’ll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve learned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve learned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Frustrations.

For as long as I remember I have been the person that has something to say about almost anything.

The girl with the insight on the situation, maybe a different persepctive and a whole lot of things people do not want to hear.

I have had no trouble expressing myself, never kept anger bottled up, healthy conversations: that was the key.

Now i’m just not sure.

I am so frustrated and hurt by the people I love the most, every time I feel angry about what they do I pray about it, in hopes that I will find some understanding to it all.

In “Inner Compass” by Margarette Silf she talks about inner furnature and how it hurts when people bump into it, especially when we did not know it was there. I feel as though thats what is happening to me. That there are certain aspects of my inner self that people keep bumping into that hurt. Whether it is a feeling of being unwanted or not being enough for someone. But what can I do about that, those are my things right? I cannot just run around being like IM SENSITIVE, NEVER HURT ME. I do not want to be numb to things that hurt me, but I do not want to feel wounded all the time.

I’ve tried talking, I’ve said the same things to the same people over and over and it truly seems as though its not important to them. It feels as though its not important to them because there happiness is more important to them. What does that mean for me then? Is there happiness not important to me as well? Shouldn’t my friends have other friends or special people in there life. Its not all about me.

I guess the hardest part is letting go of the past, I remember how things were when they only needed me and I was happy with that. It made me feel special, maybe thats the problem: I felt special by the wrong things.

I keep clinging on to the past because it was safe and good, but just because something was good does not automatically mean the causal effect is that something new will be bad. In reality it can be better. The future is not out to get me, unfortunately I cannot promise things like forevers in a temporary world. In many ways I want people to notice their actions because I feel as though they are going to regret them in the future. They are going to realize that now was the time we had together and the future is unknown, I want to save them from regret.

I dunno… I can promise my love, I know that is not temporary. Overall I truly just do not know what to do, talking will make me feel better, but it wont make them. Maybe part of growing up is accepting that people go on different paths, make decisions that will hurt your feelings, but help their future and there is nothing you can do about it.

What’s mine is yours…. Except for that.

In-de-pen-dence (noun),

It’s associated with maturity, strength, focus, compentency and belief in the self.

Sounds perfect right? I know that it is what I have always longed for, felt I needed to fully encompass as a person. I felt for so long that if I was not independent I was failing in some way, that needing help should be done few and far between. Only when you reeeeeeeally need it. Or as a barganing chip to gain closeness in relationships. Do not get me wrong there were (in my opinion) far too many times that I have fallen into a friend or parents arms and let them console me through the tears. A moment of “weakness.”

So I let them help me through whatever struggle it is, in the moment, the really scary part is no matter how outwardly upset I have been, it has been worse inside. Especially because the person who was not allowed to help AT ALL was God. In some ways I truly believed that I was doing better as a person if I was able to go long periods of timewithoutpeople… To be a independent person meant growing up and learning to deal with things on your own, thats what I thought it meant to be strong.

Now I realize how much beauty there is in our weaknesses, that to close off my heart, my struggles and myself did not make me strong… It made me lonely.

There were so many sleepless nights when I was “dealing with it on my own” when I could have been happy, I could have been whole, I could have talked to someone. That above all I should have let God help me.

It is foolishness to struggle alone, self inflicted misery that has a tendency to become a cycle of saddness and self pity. Now I realize that He is strong when I am weak and that when I cannot to do… He carries me.

So I forfit my independence, its not worth it, you know what is worth it?

To be taken care of by a creator that loves me sooo passionately and longs for my heart and a relationship with me.

I Don’t Belong Here

One thing I realized lately is how different I am, the times I have inner struggle and pain its from a lack of belonging and changing myself to be like the others. However Im reading this book called “Irresistable Revolution” and it’s ammmmmazing. It’s the same concept I have gotten from other books lately…. that if the culture does’nt work for you… dont buy it
Seem simple enough, right? That in some ways it’s not bad to be different or not belong, that it makes you special and able to do things NO ONE else can!?!
Crazzzy
 And I just want you to know… if you ever feel like you dont belong… it’s because you probably don’t, but don;t be discouraged! It’s an amazing opportunity to make a place in the world all of your own that you can comfortably belong in with outcasts like me :)
 

Some days the past seems relevant

Sometimes Iget this ache in my heart

An ache that makes me feel like im still in love with you

An ache that makes me feel as though I will always love you

Why? There is no reason for it, you are stuburn & unresponsive, uncaring, a brick wall

Always just a little too late, I never know were I stand with you

The deepest we have ever gotten was a shallow pond with holes in it

How could I fall for a person like that?

I realize I’m not the one for you,

What I don’t understand is why you are

I could never have you

When I came to visit you

And thats when I knew…

That I could never have you,

But I knew that before you did,

Still I’m the one whos stupid…

And theres this burning like there as always been,

I’ve never been so alone… And I’ve never been so alive

I’ll be the one to keep you.